When One Plus One Does Not Equal Two

I've never been great at math, but like most people, I grew up learning the basics: one plus one equals two. It’s simple. It’s reliable. It’s just the way things work—or so I thought.

That same logic, for a long time, shaped how I approached parenting. Deep down, I believed that if I loved my children deeply, raised them to know and love the Lord, taught them Scripture, prayed over them, and modeled faith, then everything would turn out fine. Maybe not perfect, but certainly redeemed. I expected the equation to balance. If I honored God in my parenting, surely He would honor my desires for my children to follow Him and flourish.

And yet…sometimes, one plus one does not equal two.

Especially when grief invades.

Especially when loss rewrites your story.

Especially when your son, whom you labored in prayer for, whom you raised to know Jesus, dies by suicide.

When Ryan died, everything I thought I understood shattered. I had poured my heart into raising him with purpose and faith. I had cried out to God on countless nights, laying my fears and my precious son at His feet, believing that His perfect love for Ryan would protect him and carry him through. I had envisioned him on the other side of life’s struggles—healed, restored, walking passionately with Christ. I saw him as a husband, as a father, leading his family in faith.

But God added a different chapter to my story, and if I am being honest, I pleaded with Him for a different book altogether—one that didn’t include the heartbreak of losing my son to suicide.

And I wrestled—like Jacob in Genesis 32:24-30. I wrestled with God over my pain, over my questions, over the cruel arithmetic of grief. I cried, “Lord, how could this be the outcome? How could all the tears, the guidance, the intercession, the love—end here?”

And in the gentlest way, God met me in the wrestling. He asked, “Jill, what has been your deepest prayer for your children?”

Without hesitation, I knew the answer: that each of my children—whom I had prayed for even before they took their first breath—would come to know Jesus Christ as their Lord and Savior, and spend eternity with Him.

And that’s when God's math began to make sense.

Ryan is with Jesus.